Bend It Like Barbie

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Bend It Like Barbie

Dear Mom,

Thank you for sending the Whore Barbie. It really is the perfect gift for an eight-year-old. How clever of you to find a loophole to my rule against Bratz dolls. Your granddaughter has been having a great time playing ‘Sure you’re not a cop?’ and ‘Run, there’s my pimp’.

Oh I know, Whore Barbie is a model. And I know models often walk around in black lace mini-skirts, fishnet hose, and high boots with their hips jutting out and their hands on their asses. But still. Let’s call a ho a ho. The platinum blonde hair makes her look a little like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Endearing as the movie was, the hooker-with-the-heart-of-gold plot is tough to explain to a third grader.

Maybe you didn’t notice the half-closed eyes, but you can’t ignore purple and gold eye shadow and frosty pink lipstick. The doll’s a walking blowjob. And you can’t tell me that leopard print purse isn’t holding the Blackberry she uses to process PayPal payments from the tech savvy, corporate johns.

It’s not just me. Whore Barbie’s not even allowed to play with her wholesomely anorexic counterparts. It states clearly on the back of the box:

Not for use with other Barbie dolls.

Anyway, thanks again. We’re off to play ‘Find my crack’.

(Find more of Lela Davidson at her website or, at her blog, AFTER THE BUBBLY)

Lela Davidson

Lela Davidson

Lela Davidson is a freelance writer, columnist, and aspiring novelist. Her award-winning column, After the Bubbly, can be found in those free magazines lying around wherever women in Ann Taylor separates or yoga pants are picking up their prescriptions for antidepressants. Her novel can be found in email inboxes all over New York City.


  • Beth E. September 20, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    You ladies are insane!!!!!!I LOVE IT!

  • Annie September 20, 2009 at 1:26 pm


  • S.N. September 20, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    So f’en funny!

  • Kris H. September 20, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    You ‘aint right, yet you’re exactly right!

  • thya September 20, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    My mom banned me from playing with Barbie dolls and I have to say, I am a better woman because of it.

  • Debi September 20, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    Barbie was my favorite doll especially after I got the Ken doll..I figured it our for myself and before I knew it I owned Skipper *s* Thanks for thte great write Lela

  • J.O. September 21, 2009 at 11:00 pm

    Love this!! I’ve already sent it to my entire email list.

  • Lindsay September 23, 2009 at 2:25 am

    Tell it, girl! I still have all of my barbies.
    I forsee a part 2 of this~you can explain how ONE Ken can service all of about 15 Barbies and keep that perma-grin…

  • Susan September 24, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    OMG…This just in: LOS ANGELES (AFP) – Barbie is set to make her debut on the big screen in a family movie based on the iconic toy doll, entertainment industry press reported Thursday.
    The 50-year-old figurine fashionista, reputedly the biggest selling toy of all time, will be brought to life by Universal Pictures following a deal between the studio and manufacturer Mattel, Variety reported.
    “Barbie is the most famous doll in history, a unique cultural icon in the world of brands,” Universal Pictures chairman Marc Shmuger said.
    “So many representations of Barbie frequent pop culture. We’re grateful to Mattel for entrusting us with this extraordinary opportunity.”
    There was no word on who might play Barbie or love interest Ken, but producer Laurence Mark said her varied career — 120 jobs ranging from astronaut to aspiring politician — offered myriad of storylines.YO MR. MARK… INCLUDING A WHORE AS TOLD BY LELA DAVIDSON!!!!!!!

  • Raismmitdiday April 16, 2010 at 8:39 am

    Please delete this message….

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