Screw the Cougars

Posted on:

Screw the Cougars

I just don’t get it. I mean, sure they look pretty…ripped abs, nice teeth, tight ass, good head of hair but what’s upstairs? Aside from sport fucking, can you really have a meaningful conversation? Will you always be reminded of how old you are every time you get on top and the gravity hits?

But what about love, you ask? Is it not blind?

Not when your tits are down to your belly button.

I tried the cougar thing once. It wasn’t pretty. I was at a fabulous media party for a new television show launch a few years ago and I met this junior agent at an I-won’t-disclose–the-name big Talent Agency who was about 18 years younger than me. He had a very well groomed look about him, but not too perfect. He was sexy in his 20 something sort of way. His full head of hair was a little messy, he had some stubble and for lack of a better category, I would call him an Aging Abercrombie. Can I just say it? The Kid was HOT!

I was engaged in a funny conversation with his boss and he kind of joined in and introduced himself. He laughed at all of my jokes, which I have to admit, always makes my panties get into a twist. He was definitely flirting with me and as his boss drifted away, we started to chat. It was after some chatter about the TV business, that I noticed that the sexual banter entered the conversation. He made mention of a bar down the street.  I can’t say I wasn’t flattered by the attention but I did notice that it made me forget that my super sonic shapewear was cutting into my thighs. I made the decision to go with it.

Anyone who has been divorced knows how hard it is to get your head back in the game. You tend to keep the appropriate distance at first, but sometimes your horniness and longing for lust just takes over.

After a few drinks and some porn worthy conversation, we went to my place.  On the way there, I prayed that my mouth guard and menopause books disappeared from my nightstand. The highlight of my encounter with AA was trying to get the shapewear power panties below my knees. AA had a good laugh at that one as did I, but I began to feel some distance coming between us. I felt like I couldn’t talk about how I came to be in those power panties and how I used those power panties to hold something in that I was afraid to roll out. I jiggled my way through the sex, but the conversation came to a dead stop. After some awkward goodbyes in the morning, I promised myself to take AA off the list. The sex was okay but he just didn’t make me feel good about myself. Fuck that.

A few months later, I met a balding, 60 year old lawyer through my friend’s cousin. He was funny and delightful but wasn’t what I would call sexy. I always imagined myself with someone younger but I was swept up in this man’s natural charm. We went to movies, hiked in the woods, hit the street fairs…he was the best company I had had in a long time. He made fun of me endlessly but I began to realize that it was complimentary to my personality. I tend to be self-deprecating in a certain way and he just plain got it. It was an awesome flirtation that turned into the best, most comfortable sex ever.

I am a recent convert. I love older men. Even the bald ones. Even the gray ones. Even the ones that pole vault through my bedroom on Viagra.  Older men are so sexy. Talk about feeling good about yourself…this sixty year old gentleman gets me off in a big way. Older men have a certain command, an experience, an appreciation of women. It’s the closest thing to feeling like royalty when you’re 40.

Screw the Cougars. I can’t get enough of my 60 year old man. I want him to tattoo my name on his baldhead. I want him to be mine, forever.

Gretchen Shift

Gretchen Shift

Gretchen is an often exhausted, over-worked TV writer who goes by another name for important reasons like, she wants to keep her job. We are happy to report that as of this writing, her previous marriage plans are on indefinite hold--don't get us started but, she bought a new dog instead.


  • Beth E. November 17, 2009 at 7:05 am

    I like to keep my options open.

  • Ginger November 17, 2009 at 7:06 am

    Please tell us more about the pole vaulting around the bedroom.

  • Mo G. November 17, 2009 at 7:10 am

    Perhaps the bald is just sexy and not the age?

  • Lauire November 17, 2009 at 7:11 am

    Channeling Mr. Clean.

  • Kelly November 19, 2009 at 4:33 am

    Nooooo! I so don’t agree…

  • Jen November 20, 2009 at 11:22 am

    I still gotta try a young guy.I feel out of the loop.

  • Bruce November 27, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    My middle age self is LOVING this website. Gretchen, you are it girl.

  • pj February 3, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    Let’s think with our hearts here, ladies, and NOT in front of a mirror. Isn’t one of our most outstanding joys in life to find another being on this earth who loves us for who we truly are, all grown up and beautiful, INSIDE, as well as outside. Age is a wasted definer of who we are and younger OR older men may be the one’s to notice that. So, leave it alone, watch the show and laugh, but NEVER cast aspersions toward those of us who choose, with all our heart, to love and be loved, time on earth put aside.

  • Jan July 14, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Say what you want! My husband and I have been together for 30 years so Eat Your hearts out! I got a man 13 years younger and would do it over again.

  • Debi August 9, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    Don’t go for age
    Don’t do that part
    I fell in love
    Cause I used my heart

    Younger than me
    But he has a big heart
    And after 40 years
    I love his aromatic loud farts

    I love my high school honey <3

Add A Comment